A New Direction

Shauna Boles Fitness 001
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Yesterday

I had a big realization when I was walking. I’ve been feeling like a bit of an imposter with the new material I’m teaching. I study a lot, but my thoughts never seem as smart as everyone else’s. My writing never seems as readable
as others. My posts are never as engaging. I am perpetually in second place. I’m good. I’m close. But I am never close enough.

 

 

Yesterday

I realized I have been reading everyone else’s posts and wondering when I will feel confident enough to put my own analyses in writing for all of the world to see. I feel pressured to put up some blog content, so I read what other people are writing and try to write like them. I am constantly trying to BE everyone else instead of settling into my own gifts and working with what I have.

Yesterday

I realized what my soul has known for ages. “You have to love yourself first,” I heard Oprah say on her talk show roughly 25 years ago. I distinctly remember hearing that and thinking, “What? How can you even do that?” Since then, I’ve heard that same thing a million times. And when I hear it, I dismiss it. “Not gonna happen,” I think. “This is as good as it gets.”

Yesterday

Something happened. I was walking and working on my breathing when I noticed that a particular upright posture helped me to take fuller, more relaxing breaths. And then I noticed that if I kept my eyes forward and head up, it got even easier to breathe. And then I noticed I had an urge to tell certain people about my discovery. My mind was swimming with thoughts of, “I’ll email her and tell her _______,” or “I’ll message them and ask them to ________.” It dawned on me that I was dreaming of getting approval for, well, BREATHING. That is just nuts! And that was followed by a realization that I do that very thing ALL the time. 

Yesterday

The realization was followed by a voice that said, “You don’t have to tell ANYONE. These are YOUR observations. They are real, true, authentic, and affirming. You don’t need anyone else’s approval to feel good about yourself.” That moment, the sky lit up. I saw every shade of blue out there like the tiles on the wall at the World Trade Center Memorial. I saw two cardinals fly by together. I saw houses as homes. Jerome’s butt did the cutest little wiggle. The grass looked greener than ever. And I knew I had just figured out how to love myself. All these things I’m always feeling compelled to share with everyone else, aren’t for everyone else. They are for me!

Yesterday

I realized that my whole life I have given everything away in search of approval. It has never worked. When you are constantly seeking approval from others, the majority of time you find yourself disappointed. You always want more. It is exhausting. “Maybe I wasn’t funny enough, interesting enough, intelligent enough, fill in the blank enough. Maybe I shouldn’t have given that. Maybe it was too much, or too little. Maybe…….” These thoughts would consume me just long enough to get pissed. Then I would just be angry at the person for being an uncaring, insensitive, disloyal jerk.

Yesterday

I caught myself dead in my tracks. And I told myself all of the things I wanted to say. And myself said, “Thank you. You are so fucking awesome! Look how smart you are for figuring that out. You probably should share that in a blog – not for anyone else’s approval, but just to help someone else who may be experiencing the same struggle.”

Today

Feels so much better. I posted on Instagram and Facebook. And, for once, I posted an explanation of the content based on MY UNDERSTANDING and not what I paraphrased from someone else’s post. When I wrote this blog, I shot straight from the hip and didn’t design it around what I saw in someone else’s.

Today

I wish I could say I’m not looking at who likes my posts, or how many like them. I wish I could say I’m not worried about what other people will think when they read this. But these statements would not be true. Maybe soon, though.

Today

What IS true, is that when I start thinking about that stuff that doesn’t really matter, I am able to think back to yesterday – and all of the colors of the sky – and feel the fullness of my heart – and know love. My own.

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